Hello All,
I'm doing something different today, you may hate it,but whatever.
I am a pretty open person when it comes to my issues. I am on anti-depressants,I used to see a therapist once a week,and my mind would take me to dark places.
I became an open human being because of these things. I understood that the people who care will always be there for you to let your heart out,and speak what was swirling through your head. And what I discovered is,though we all are from different walks of life, there is usually someone out there who can relate to you. And a big one I come in contact with is insecurities.
So maybe I can share, and it could possibly help anyone out there who has been in my place.
A big insecurity that drug me down for the longest time,was boys. I don't need a lecture or anything like that, I know it is a stupid reason to be sad. But it sucked hearing how hot your roommate is, or your friend, or your mom(yeah, got that a lot, but hey, thats what I'll look like in 25 years).
I heard it from everyone. It got to the point where I didn't even like to talk to guys because they usually went after my friend that I was with. And also being bullied in middle school AND high school, by a dude, didn't make it any easier.
I would also get sad when I would compare myself to other girls. I was jealous,and became hateful. Thats why I went through a big Taylor Swift hating phase(she's so pretty and nice,I just want to be her when I grow up gahhh). I would see the girls I went to high school with, come into my work(I wait tables at one of the most popular restaurants in town) and treat me like complete garbage. And keep in mind, I used to be best friends with these girls. So that was hard.Like, you can look me in the eye when you order your diet coke, thanks.
As one of my friends/support systems would tell me "come on,shake the dust kace", as in "let all of the shit go Kacie,why does it bother you so much?". I found it difficult to do. And my anxiety was sky rocketing. I let other people inflict crippling damage to my self esteem,and I never felt okay in my own skin.
In order to help yourself through these issues, you have to start doing things for yourself, and believing in yourself. And it won't happen over night. But after months of working on myself,I woke up and realized that this is my journey, and I choose happiness. I chose to start doing things to get my own approval. Not some stinky boy, or some girls that I will never be good enough for. I needed to be good enough for myself. I needed to take off the labels that I mentally tattooed onto my skin like "fucked up" or "unwanted". Become more of a person that I would want to meet.
After that, my confidence soared and my smile shined a little brighter. Even when people ask me why I'm so mad,its called Resting Bitch Face Syndrome,and its genetic.
My point is, is that your happiness is in your hands, and it is something you will have to work for. Choose your path, and decide to kick your insecurities' ass. Like I've said before, impress the hell out of yourself.
My battle with depression and anxiety isn't over yet. But I have never felt this happy and strong. And I'll be damned if someone takes that away from me.
idk if I'll ever do this again.
love,
kacie.
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